2015: The Year of Changes

I'll be straight forward and say that 2015 has been a challenging year. The thing about growing older and becoming your own person and establishing identity and finding your place in the world is that it's not easy, and demands that you step out of your comfort zone. This year has been filled with frustration, hurt, and loss. But I'm not going to say it was a bad year. It may have not been a good year in comparison to past years, but it definitely had its perks. As 2016 rolls around, I think it's important to look back at what the year was.

Early this year, I had to step away from a friendship that was hurting me too much to pursue. I chose to miss a trip out of state (which was huge for me because I don't travel much) to help with a week long project in which I felt inadequately used and disrespected. I had to watch one of my best friends deal with the loss of her brother.

Towards the middle of the year, I was offered a better job opportunity than the job I was working at the time and worked throughout the summer at my first almost full-time job. I felt lead to begin attending a new church further from my house where I only knew two people. I saw two of my favorite bands at a summer music festival.

Towards the later end of the year, I pulled through and finished a very tiring second-to-last semester of college. I was given opportunities to step up in leadership at my church. I was given the opportunity to travel out of state for a week.

So much more happened, but I'm not going to waste time by writing it all down. It was a year of change for me, a year of transition, a year of becoming a man. I'm not there yet. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I'm making progress. This year has pushed me beyond the bounds of comfort and has tested my character.

And I find it kind of funny, because I already know that what I've learned this year and how I've been pushed to grow is nothing compared to what 2016 will bring me. 2016 is going to be a year of growth. I will graduate college. I'll have a degree. I'll need to begin figuring out what to do with my life. Maybe I won't have an answer, but I'll be pretty close by the years end.

It is so amazing to see the amount of work God has poured into my life this year. It's been amazing to see the results of completely depending on him. I haven't done it perfectly, and I know I never will, but the times I relied on Him were the times I felt the most freedom and the most awe in what He does. 2016 will be a year of growth. Growth in God. Growth in relationships. Growth in manhood. Growth in identity. Growth in maturity.

I don't make resolutions. I simply make goals. This year, my goals are the same as last year:

a.) love Jesus
b.) love others
c.) make money
d.) spend money
e.) do things
f.) be awesome
g.) roll with it
h.) do at least one stupid and crazy thing that I may or may not regret
i.) mature
j.) never grow up
k.) try something new
l.) face a fear
m.) grow in wisdom
n.) make a good habit
o.) break a bad habit
p.) pray more
q.) meet someone new
r.) pass classes
s.) catch up on all the movies and books I missed
t.) empathize
u.) make memories
v.) prank often
w.) clean my room at least once
x.) never make a New Year's resolution because I probably won't keep it
y.) smell good
z.) push through

I don't know what 2016 is going to bring, but I know that whatever it brings will grow me into who I'm supposed to be. I'm not scared. I'm excited to see what happens. Sadness will come, hurt will come, pain will come, but so will comfort, so will growth, and I know that it's all part of God's plan. And I can't wait to be a part of it.

-Sam

My Trust Fall With Jesus

I've been at a point in my life for the past few years where nothing has been going the way I planned it.

Three years ago, the future I envisioned for myself was to go to a local 4-year college to pursue a degree in theater, and act for the rest of my life. Two years ago, the future I envisioned for myself was to be attending a college out of state working on a 4-year mass media communications degree. I was still going to be good friends with everyone I was good friends with, act as a hobby, and just enjoy my life. That changed two summers ago when it became apparent that I couldn't afford to go to college the regular way, so I stayed and I'm now pursuing an associate's degree at a community college. I rarely act unless it's for my own personal projects. Last year, I was supposed to become an amazing bass player who could just lay down the deep and gritty rhythms like you couldn't believe. I was supposed to continue growing as a youth leader at my church and be a role model or something. I was supposed to continue to help teach acting. I was supposed to keep sign dancing and selling donuts and maybe someday get enough money to move out and be an adult.

Then, in about the span of four months, every single plan I had ever conceived of completely imploded.

I left the donut shop and took up a manual labor job. I realized I was more naturally talented playing drums than I was playing bass. I found myself being called to go to another church and help with the youth. I finally forgave people who had hurt me deeply (not in person, due to circumstances, but in my heart). I have found the capability to do great things. I'm discovering my talents and my passions. I grew a beard. So much maturing happened, and it happened unbelievably quick.

But there still remains one issue: I have no idea what's next.

I know what I love and what I want, but I don't know how to get there. I know my goals are to love and follow Jesus and continually mature in Him, but I don't know where He's taking me.

And that's okay.

I'm sitting here thinking about two years ago compared to today. I have different passions, different friendships, different academical goals, a different church, different skills, different everything. And I couldn't be happier.

There are days where I sit down and feel stressed about everything that's changed and everything that hasn't even begun yet. I sit under the looming umbrella of graduating community college next semester and deciding what's next. And I'm okay with that.

This is my trust fall with Jesus. I'm falling up into this unknown abyss of my future and I have to trust that Jesus is gonna catch me. I have been and will continue to get a little banged up as I fall, but that's okay. It's not my time to reach out and try to grab another solution. In my future, there is only one solution: trust. Trust that Jesus has got my back, trust that He has planned my future and made it so much greater than anything I could have ever imagined.

Do you think that sounds crazy? So did I last year. But let me tell you, 8 months into releasing my grasp on my own selfish plans and accepting that I'll never really know what's going to happen next and just walking with Jesus, I don't regret a second I've spent doing it.

And I never will.

Why I'm Not Going To Watch "50 Shades of Grey"

Almost every time I've gotten onto social media over the past few weeks, I've seen at least one thing about the new piece-of-Hollywood-garbage-that-will-be-considered-a-box-office-success-because-it's-about-sex movie, "50 Shades of Grey", a movie based off of a novel (that was originally fan fiction from "Twilight") about consensual abusive sex outside of marriage. Not cast in a negative light, mind you, but eventually leading to a love relationship between the two main characters.

Flawless.

Honestly, when the books started making their way into circulation about 2-3 years ago, I laughed. I laughed when I heard about the plot, and laughed harder when I heard it was a success. This is proving the long satirized point of "they will buy anything". And it's not because I think that the subject matter of the book is funny that I laugh. I don't. I think it's terrible. But, really? We're better than this, world.

So, as it goes with most crappy books, crappy movies are soon to follow, and this was unfortunately no different. Naturally there was excitement from some, and unease from others. But no one cared more about this movie than the Christian industry. But they managed to stay under control until the beginning of February, leading up to the Valentine's Day release of the movie. Then it all went wild. Blog post after blog post about the horrors that hid within the film, statistics on porn in America, protests about the movie, and so on.

And maybe I missed something, but I felt like these posts were unnecessary and kind of dumb. I get the point that, as Christians (or even just self-respecting human beings), we shouldn't watch or support the movie. I really do. But I also got that point WAY before the movie was released or even thought about. Were churches planning on screening it into services until the bloggers got underway? Why are we so surprised and appalled? No one who goes to this movie is going into it blissfully unaware of what they're walking into. The hype has made it impossible to be ignorant of the central themes.

I get the outrage about the movie, but I feel like we have more to focus on than these films. They weren't designed to attract our kind of "audience", and honestly, I don't think anyone cares. It's just the way Hollywood works. And don't tell me that the Christian film industry doesn't work the same way ("God's Not Dead", anyone?).

I feel like everyone focuses on the "porn" aspect of the movie as the reason not to see 50SOG. I personally have a few other reasons (on top of that one) why I'm not going to see the movie:

1. It's a popular movie (I generally hate popular movies).
2. The movie is so crappy that even the two stars hate it.
3. How deep can a script/story go when it's all about sex?

We have so much more to be concerned about. Don't get hung up on this movie.


-Sam

Travel Rant

Have you ever been on vacation anywhere but Iowa? Congrats, you've done more than me. That's not a fair statement of my life. I've done quite a bit. But vacationing to Iowa is probably the most extreme traveling I've ever done. In a short list below, I will list every state I've been to:

Wyoming
Colorado
Nebraska
Iowa
South Dakota
New Mexico
Utah
Pennsylvania (I was like 8 or something and I hardly remember it)

Now, while all of these are great places, if you look at a map, they're all in the same spot, mid-west-ish. And with the exception of Nebraska and Iowa, all of them have the same general features: mountains, desert plains, forests, etc. I've been landlocked my whole life. I've never seen an ocean, I've never been out of the country, I've never been beneath 3,000 ft. elevation.

Outside of a small desire to leave the country at least once (so that maybe I can stop winning Never Have I Ever for once), I've never really cared that much about going other places until a funny thing happened. A lot of my friends and I graduated, and all of a sudden they (the friends, mostly women) all started traveling/planning trips. They started making plans to drop anywhere from hundreds to thousands of dollars to go to Hawaii, Europe, California, Australia, China, pretty much anywhere you can imagine. Some have gone and come back, others are still traveling, and some haven't left yet. And then here's me. The guy who doesn't do that. And it frustrates me. It makes me feel like I'm missing out on valuable life experiences. And maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Upon viewing my travel-picture-clogged Facebook feed last night, I came upon a very legitimate reason why I feel I've always been constrained in travel.

Now, the first reason I don't go and travel to Europe right now is because I'm poor. I have no money to go anywhere really. My most crazy travel plans in my price range are to go an hour away to get donuts. Wild stuff, man!

The second reason I discovered (getting back to the main epiphany I had last night) is a bit complex, so let's see how well I can describe it:

***DISCLAIMER: Women, if you find yourself angered by anything I say, remember: I'm a guy. Have mercy on my perspective of things.***

Basically, as a man, I am expected (and I myself expect) to support a family someday. That requires money. As I am now, I know I can't. But it doesn't really matter now. I'm a single freshman in college, I'm not having a family anytime soon. However, as I said before, I happen to suffer from a common symptom of most college students, that is being poor. And in the back of my mind, while I hold jobs and make money, I know that I need to save money so when that day comes when I get married and whatnot, I can afford to be in that state. This is what keeps me from dropping several hundred dollars on a trip, because I'll need that money to get by and support a family.

Now, women (the ones doing most of the traveling, in my case) aren't necessarily under the same pressure to support a family monetarily. They can, it just doesn't seem to be the way things work. So, money isn't a huge saving point, as the only things money is useful for now are gas, insurance, food, and clothes (and more, I'm sure, I'm just being general). With that perspective, now more options open up and travel is affordable.

I'm not saying I'll never get to go anywhere. Maybe I'll get to travel someday. But for right now, I guess I'm going to stick around my home state for a while longer.

Happy traveling,

                             -Sam